A couple of weeks ago I had my first ever mammogram. They called me the next week and said I needed to be retested. I have an extensive family history of my dad's (natural father and he died of cancer when I was 14 mo. old) side of the family with issues with cancer( only 1 uncle survives out of 4 brothers and 1 sister). Needless to say i was scared. It also does not help that I am having a hard time this summer missing my mom. 8 years this Aug 20th. Before she got sick, she also had an issue with a possible lump and being retested then an ultrasound. This morning made me relive that, the good and the sad.
Pop (pop is my step dad) went with me and waited patiently in the waiting room. He is really good at being their, I am really lucky. He couldn't of done anything but being their was enough, it is more than friends and family have done for me in the past 10 years. Some might say that is a cheap shot, but it is my truth. I learned to stop asking the people in my life for help, because they either can't, wont or just don't help. Some who don't know me might think that is unfair. I don't ever really say all the unfair things that have happened in the last 10 years. Today I just need to let it out. You see I moved home in 1998 to help when my mom developed renal failure. I was the youngest, not married and no kids. It was no problem to help (I was 28 then, I am now 41 still not married and no kids.).
My mom never got better and progressively got worse. I am the youngest of 7 children. My second oldest brother died in 1976 so he couldn't help. My oldest brother John moved to Florida with his wife( he died in 2005 or 2006). It was a great opportunity for him, but he was never really in my life or around very much any way. My sister Meg moved out of state and we had no contact with her. Her choice, not ours. Her ex husband new how to get a hold of her but it was to late the day my mom died for her to talk with her. My sister Jules moved to Texas and couldn't come home. My brother Frank ( the most unreliable and irresponsible) found his way to my mom before she died. My brother Dan, who lives in Alaska came, I don't know how but he found the money ( he has a big family and money is always tight) to come . Our adopted brother Mike came he was to late to talk to her also.
Some might say that I am being very judgmental. My point is that if you don't show up how can you have a relationship with your family and I have always been here.
It is ironic, I spent half my life with them in and out of my moms house watching my mom help them waiting to be old enough to have a relationship with them cause they were cool and now I am an adult and need help ( my mom and pop always helped my brothers and sisters. Money, household goods, advice or just being their) their is no one their to to help, no one to hang out with.
Please don't misunderstand, Jules helps as best she can, If Daniel could be here he would, Alaska is along way away just to have him come to sit with my dad so I can go grocery shopping or just catch my breath. Frank is still irresponsible, but I can't find him. John is dead and Meg is mad at me for some reason and wants nothing to do with me. So I exist, making due with me and Pop the best we can.
Some would say what about my friends? I have people in my life I can talk to, but know one I can depend on. I don't have any any more. Some by choice, some by circumstance. I never really had but 1 friend for the last 20 years consistently. I had acquaintances, people in my life. But I only ever had 1 good solid friend that I used to believe that I could depend on no matter what. Who would always be their for me as I had been their for her when we were younger. I was wrong. We don't have the same values and to be really honest I don't think we ever really did. Fate thru us together and circumstance made us stay together. I just can't look past the things that make us fundamentally different any more. Some would say that is cold and heartless, I look at it this way; if you have a friend who only takes from you and never brings anything to the relationship that is not friendship. I just have nothing left to give. I am all tapped out. Their were other things too and I am just as guilty to. Also, I don't drink really any more( we used to drink alot). I don't do drugs ( I have seen the devastation just a little weed can cause). I take care of Pop, craft and sew and want to talk about politics and the state of the world and how we can make it better, but those are not the same values as the people that used to be my friends. So what do I do? I just exist. For you see I don't have a life, I spend 22 hours a day with Pop. He goes to the sr. center for 2 hours a day so I can have a break. I am not able to work, Pop can't really be left alone. He has some dementia and a long list of medical issue I mange. Some would say I am over protective, some would say I just need to get a job and he will be fine. But where does that leave Pop? I can not get paid to take care of him, but I do any way. We get by. We exist.
So what does this have to do with having a mammogram scare today. I need to find a way to have a life and people in it who care for me and about me . People who understand that it is important for me to take care of Pop. People who can love and accept me unconditionally.
It seems most in the past have let me down so know I am looking for new ideas or thoughts where to begin?
I pose this question because what if it had been cancer, who would miss me or help me if I was that sick? I know Pop would do his best, but who else would really be their for me? Who would be there for him?
P.S.
This letting out is about me, not what others have done or not done. This is about giving so much of myself that I am lost alone in the dark trying to find the light. If any one who reads this feels guilty that is not my intention, you should look @ what makes you feel that way. I love my family and my friends those that are here and those that are not. My love has always been unconditional and will continue to be so. For me that is what it means to love someone and to be family:)
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