Hospital

Pop fell yesterday.  He is back in hospital.  I am emotionally wrecked.  I can't physically take care of him anymore.  He is to tall and heavy for me to help him move around by myself.   Not sure what is gonna happen. He is medically really complicated.  He may be doing hospice comfort care at the hospital.  I know I have done everything in my power and capability to take care of him.  It is difficult for me to let him go.  I am not sure how much longer he has still in him.  If you ask him if he is ready to go, very clearly he said no, he wants to live.  He doesn't want to leave me cause he worries about me being able to take care of myself.  I don't know what I am going to do without him.  I have been so very lucky to have someone love me so unselfishly all my life.  I apologize if these kind of posts make it hard for my readers who have gone thru this themselves, but one of my mottos is out is better than in.  It works good for emotions as well as farts. Ha ha, gotta make jokes, I can't cry all the time.

What day is it? It's only Wednesday.

It is 5:45 am PST on Wednesday morning.  Pop has been up and down on the camode since 2:30 am.  It may be my fault, I gave him a v8.  His anxiety and dementia put everything into overdrive.   Talk about being pooped out.

There is a silver lining to these shinnagins, he ate a pbj sandwich and banana while sitting on the pot.   He is able to breathe,  chew and eat.  Whoot, whoot, I am going to start feeding him more solid foods now. He is also more alert and awake in the early am hours.

Me, I am doing my best.  Every part of me is soar and achey.  My arthritis is winning.  I am not giving up.  It is not my nature. I have medication and am not afraid to use it. 

Is it in basketball you pivot and move till you can make the shot.  So I am pivoting and moving very slowly. 

Today, day 5.

Hospice

Yesterday my Dad came home from the hospital.  He had a panic attack at around midnight.  We worked thru it and I gave him a relaxer pill, held his hand and spoke soothing reassurances to him.  He calmed down and fell asleep.  I went to bed at about 4 am and woke at 10.  That was our first night home.

Today, ahh.... what can I say.  This caregiving thing is like a crazy dance party.  You never know when the tempo will change, but you always have the same partner.

So breakfast, medicine, breathing treatment these things all happened.  Pop scooted himself up the bed, also.

Did he eat much? No.  He did take medication and we did breathing treatment.  One day down and one to go.  You see, hospice only is hands on monday thru Friday.  If you have problems you can call and nurse will talk you thru what to do.  Or if person is actively dieing, they will come out.

No worries I was terrified yesterday.   Today, I am tired.  Tomorrow who knows.

It’s been a while.

What to say.  I haven’t really written anything here for quite a while.  I stopped writing cause I got busy, I forgot, Pop got sicker.  All kinds of things.  I had an audience of 1.  Or maybe it just seemed not helpful.

Why did I start blogging?  I was lonely and wanted to talk, but not meet people.  Sounds funny, I know.  It was true.  Being a caretaker for my Dad  takes everything out of me.  I wont say that it is the way for all caretakers, that would be arrogant.  It is how it is for me.  2017 makes it 14 years this August that it has been me and my dad on our own.  I think my mom would have thought we had crashed and burned by now.  Ha Ha.  You had to know my Momma.  She was the epitome of control.  Anyway I digress. 

My Pop and I have been through a lot of health issues mostly on his part and some on mine.  We go thru economic troubles, psychological struggles, and just regular father daughter issues.  I stand strong.  I say “I” cause I am the one who props my Poppa up when he gets scared. I am the one who reassures him everything will be ok and work out.  He tries his best to do that for me.  I am appreciative of his effort, but it is not the same coming from a father.

It was my Momma’s responsibility to teach me to be strong, fearless, tactful and polite. You see that is what my Momma taught me.   Please don’t think I am discounting the things my Poppa has taught me and still teaches me, I am not.  It is all this talk of gender issues and equality floating around . 

Who is to decide who is equal.  All people should be paid what they are worth based on their skill and ability, not there gender, race or marital partner .  So why do we have rules/laws about it in this enlightened age of 2017?  Where does this teaching of inequality really come from? Also the unspoken sense of superiority/marginalization come from?  Aren’t these the questions we should be focusing on?  Find the root of the problem and rip it out some would say.  Others would say cokes it along until it decides to do the right thing?

I don’t know.  I was born in the 70’s,  now most people think they were a “Golden Age” in a sense.  We played outside as children, we didn’t have computers or cell phones and we did ok.  Is this just rose colored nostalgia and that is why so many think that they have it so good/bad.

Once again I have to say “I don’t know”. When I was in college working on my B.A. I was involved in a program called “Environmental studies”.  One of the topics we discussed was “The tragedy of the commons”.   This is an economic problem in which every individual tries to reap the greatest benefit from a given resource. As the demand for the resource overwhelms the supply, every individual who consumes an additional unit directly harms others who can no longer enjoy the benefits.

I disagreed with one of the Instructors because I naively thought that given the right motivation this would not make the commons “collapse”.  I admit I was wrong.  Living in the United States in 2017 and watching “us” as a nation implode over resources, politics, inequality, gender and race proves this economic theory to be sound.  And that makes my heart weep, my head ache and my soul pine for the greater good that once stood for what it meant to be an American.

Having said all this what am I to do?  Tomorrow I will get up and be who I am and what I believe.  I will be kind as always to those who are not, I will care about my neighbor even if they don’t care about me.  I will try harder to share what little I have with those who have nothing.  I will do what I can, when I can , for whomever I can. 


Why you ask? Because the “tragedy of the commons” is not an option for me.  For me, the “tragedy of the commons” is knowing it is happening and watching so many people in the US choose to not change to stop this “tragedy”.  In my opinion, that is the true tragedy.

On a rainy Sunday in Bremerton

We stayed home today, Pop and I.  The weather is back on track for the Northwest, wet and blustery.  That is ok, I wasn't fooled by old man winter letting us have all that sunshine.  Ha Ha this is one Washingtonian he didn't catch slipping.

Today, and for the last week Pop and I have been watching YouTube videos.  I have been watching how to make storage solutions from Dollar Tree Foam Board.

This is what I made:

Two drawer organizers.  I used hot glue and masking tape.  So now all my pens are stored flat like "The Frugal Crafter" recommended.  I did have to throw out some double sided cheap pens away.  I had had them for at least 5 years so it was OK to let them go.  I had fun making it.

I also chatted with a swap partner from  Mini album swaps, a group, on Facebook.  It was a chunky charm swap and I was really nervous how the "goodies" I sent would be received as I had never done anything like that before.  She told me she really loves the charm so I am glad.  It was nice to chat with someone who is interested in the same crafty stuff.  I haven't had that in a while.  Enjoy
 

Were did this blogger go?

I have been taking care of my Pop, he has been in and out of the hospital a lot since Oct of 2014.  He is doing better now, fingers crossed.  He is my best work in progress. 

Other than that, I started crafting again.  I have had carple tunnel surgery on both my hands so know maybe I can get some things done.

As of April 1, 2015 the 2 year consignment store saga will be ending.  I have enjoyed it but the space rent is going up 22.00 more dollars and that is too much for me. 

We only watch tv over the antena know and with youtube and netflixs.  Pop likes it and I am addicted to how to videos. 

Here are some random photos from the last few months.

Sick

Pop has been in and out of the hospital a couple of times in the past few months.  Now it is my turn. I get to see an audyologist for being dizzy n an orthopedic surgeon for my carpal tunnel whooo. I am excited.