Hospital

Pop fell yesterday.  He is back in hospital.  I am emotionally wrecked.  I can't physically take care of him anymore.  He is to tall and heavy for me to help him move around by myself.   Not sure what is gonna happen. He is medically really complicated.  He may be doing hospice comfort care at the hospital.  I know I have done everything in my power and capability to take care of him.  It is difficult for me to let him go.  I am not sure how much longer he has still in him.  If you ask him if he is ready to go, very clearly he said no, he wants to live.  He doesn't want to leave me cause he worries about me being able to take care of myself.  I don't know what I am going to do without him.  I have been so very lucky to have someone love me so unselfishly all my life.  I apologize if these kind of posts make it hard for my readers who have gone thru this themselves, but one of my mottos is out is better than in.  It works good for emotions as well as farts. Ha ha, gotta make jokes, I can't cry all the time.

What day is it? It's only Wednesday.

It is 5:45 am PST on Wednesday morning.  Pop has been up and down on the camode since 2:30 am.  It may be my fault, I gave him a v8.  His anxiety and dementia put everything into overdrive.   Talk about being pooped out.

There is a silver lining to these shinnagins, he ate a pbj sandwich and banana while sitting on the pot.   He is able to breathe,  chew and eat.  Whoot, whoot, I am going to start feeding him more solid foods now. He is also more alert and awake in the early am hours.

Me, I am doing my best.  Every part of me is soar and achey.  My arthritis is winning.  I am not giving up.  It is not my nature. I have medication and am not afraid to use it. 

Is it in basketball you pivot and move till you can make the shot.  So I am pivoting and moving very slowly. 

Today, day 5.

Hospice

Yesterday my Dad came home from the hospital.  He had a panic attack at around midnight.  We worked thru it and I gave him a relaxer pill, held his hand and spoke soothing reassurances to him.  He calmed down and fell asleep.  I went to bed at about 4 am and woke at 10.  That was our first night home.

Today, ahh.... what can I say.  This caregiving thing is like a crazy dance party.  You never know when the tempo will change, but you always have the same partner.

So breakfast, medicine, breathing treatment these things all happened.  Pop scooted himself up the bed, also.

Did he eat much? No.  He did take medication and we did breathing treatment.  One day down and one to go.  You see, hospice only is hands on monday thru Friday.  If you have problems you can call and nurse will talk you thru what to do.  Or if person is actively dieing, they will come out.

No worries I was terrified yesterday.   Today, I am tired.  Tomorrow who knows.